q: what are you doing
a: counting the spaces
q: name one bad thing
a: waking up with you. waking up with the dent of you. going online at 3am and finding you still glowing. the milk cannot be touching anything else. it won't work. would you like to be face to face and not in cyberspace?
q: when i open my mouth you
a: turn down the music. the phone is always an unknown caller. the milk cannot touch the place "from whence it came." we were in the christmas aisle, casually, and then i woke up hollering. i wasn't crying, it was nighttime everything was blue that is why water gives that appearance.
q: christmas is not good because
a: quiet graves
q: when you say counting the spaces do you mean between plots or between words or between faces as in spaces have faces or do you mean
a: you shouldn't drink coffee at night because you will wake up with your mouth open and sometimes a sound will be coming out and you won't know it as your own until you realize the tv is not on and the alarm is not set.
q: and the phone is not ringing
a: she told her best friend. she said, my husband is in the mob. simple. then he shot her dead. it was me that time, he shot me dead. i was wearing his jacket when three bullets came through it. then i put the gun to my head. i said i love you i promise don't kill me.
q: so then you got up and went to work
a: my head is in different spaces. right now it is on the train traveling southbound. southeast, if you want to know exactly. everything that's lovely gives off light. her mouth in space at 3am, a moonrise.
9.14.2007
these remembering things
we thought something terrible had happened.
we thought the awful smell was coming from the cabinets
or that the nation was under attack because the couch had changed colors.
he said i’d like to introduce you to this person i won’t admit to knowing. say pleased to meet you.
he said i can’t talk to you when you’re this negative and i said i can’t talk to you when you’re this tan and when i’m trying to drink water and it is so goddamn hot. i said i know you have been hiding things since january, what i am trying to figure out is where you found the space.
he said i’m sorry, i don’t know anyone by that name.
we thought we had grown past this. we thought we had moved on to more affirming types of people.
we thought writing was some kind of tranquilizer, like nighttime or television.
she said i love to remember these beautiful remembering things.
i think she hasn’t learned the word memories.
she said i think something died at wabash and adams. everyone in their cars rolled up their windows and all the people on the street put their hands to their faces. i said do you think it was important?
she said it was close to the library.
in my old town there were plenty of cemeteries to wander around in but in this town there’s just street.
miller’s pub has a new flashing sign, have you seen it?
he said i don’t know what you mean by that.
what i mean is that i thought something terrible had happened but really the terrible thing had already happened and what i was doing was remembering.
we thought the awful smell was coming from the cabinets
or that the nation was under attack because the couch had changed colors.
he said i’d like to introduce you to this person i won’t admit to knowing. say pleased to meet you.
he said i can’t talk to you when you’re this negative and i said i can’t talk to you when you’re this tan and when i’m trying to drink water and it is so goddamn hot. i said i know you have been hiding things since january, what i am trying to figure out is where you found the space.
he said i’m sorry, i don’t know anyone by that name.
we thought we had grown past this. we thought we had moved on to more affirming types of people.
we thought writing was some kind of tranquilizer, like nighttime or television.
she said i love to remember these beautiful remembering things.
i think she hasn’t learned the word memories.
she said i think something died at wabash and adams. everyone in their cars rolled up their windows and all the people on the street put their hands to their faces. i said do you think it was important?
she said it was close to the library.
in my old town there were plenty of cemeteries to wander around in but in this town there’s just street.
miller’s pub has a new flashing sign, have you seen it?
he said i don’t know what you mean by that.
what i mean is that i thought something terrible had happened but really the terrible thing had already happened and what i was doing was remembering.
9.09.2007
9.06.2007
As I Said: 14
What if there were two of me and only one of you
What if one of me was at the bottom of the ocean and the other
stood at the shore looking at the water
What if you wanted me but did not know
that I am really under water, way down under loads of waves
and whales and starfish, hiding in a clam, a pearl in my mouth
What if I told you that you must speak my other name
What if the other you was a thousand miles away
in a hot desert buried under quicksand filling your mouth and eyes
What could either of us say with all of that weight on top of us
so far below the surface of the earth
What if one of me was at the bottom of the ocean and the other
stood at the shore looking at the water
What if you wanted me but did not know
that I am really under water, way down under loads of waves
and whales and starfish, hiding in a clam, a pearl in my mouth
What if I told you that you must speak my other name
What if the other you was a thousand miles away
in a hot desert buried under quicksand filling your mouth and eyes
What could either of us say with all of that weight on top of us
so far below the surface of the earth
8.31.2007
8.30.2007
8.29.2007
As I Said:12
"If it holds my attention that is as close as I come to happiness."
"There is a dragon in the washing machine. It must have crawled in
through the drainpipe. Now all of my clothes will be the color of fire."
"I dreamed she died and he got married two weeks later.
When really, he's the one that is dead."
"Her brother died and she waited for him
to come back but he never did. Then she got mad."
"Once I took a bath in the dishwater. It was cloudy
and turning cold but I still came out much cleaner."
"That dragon is leaving scales all over the house."
"There is a dragon in the washing machine. It must have crawled in
through the drainpipe. Now all of my clothes will be the color of fire."
"I dreamed she died and he got married two weeks later.
When really, he's the one that is dead."
"Her brother died and she waited for him
to come back but he never did. Then she got mad."
"Once I took a bath in the dishwater. It was cloudy
and turning cold but I still came out much cleaner."
"That dragon is leaving scales all over the house."
8.25.2007
As I Said:10
There are two trees and one man riding a bicycle past them
The first tree sticks out its tongue and lays it on the man's lap
The man grabs hold and hangs on and the tree says
I don't like it when you do that to my tongue
but the man cannot hear. He is so curious
The other tree looks down at the ground and wonders
when will this be over?
The man on the bicycle sits perfectly still, balanced
on two wheels and holding the tongue
8.23.2007
8.21.2007
As I Said:8
At one point the whole house
was on Prozac
then she broke out in hives
and the fun was over
She just showed up one day
soaking wet and talking
We encouraged her to relocate
I said to her Tennessee is pretty
but I just feel like Iceland
is where I belong
My answering machine
always confuses voices
was on Prozac
then she broke out in hives
and the fun was over
She just showed up one day
soaking wet and talking
We encouraged her to relocate
I said to her Tennessee is pretty
but I just feel like Iceland
is where I belong
My answering machine
always confuses voices
8.20.2007
As I Said: 6
A girl chased a porcupine
up a tree that kept getting taller and taller
I want those quills she said
but what do you think was up there?
Above clouds more branches
A frog carried the sun above the water
because a princess was crying
She chased the porcupine for so long she forgot
about the ground and then she was somewhere else
A prince and princess were in two different towers
and the wind pushed them together
Some people believe in God but it's not good
to focus on one thing like a dream
with only one person in it
That frog swam for hours to find the sun and it was heavy
A line is forming at the gate
up a tree that kept getting taller and taller
I want those quills she said
but what do you think was up there?
Above clouds more branches
A frog carried the sun above the water
because a princess was crying
She chased the porcupine for so long she forgot
about the ground and then she was somewhere else
A prince and princess were in two different towers
and the wind pushed them together
Some people believe in God but it's not good
to focus on one thing like a dream
with only one person in it
That frog swam for hours to find the sun and it was heavy
A line is forming at the gate
8.19.2007
As I Said:4
I walked in and my cat was in pieces
clawing and meowing and generally raising
sadness. I said to her did you know
microwaves can send the cancer right into you
even though there's that door
People never kill with their hands anymore
why is that? He just collapsed
He wasn't sitting too close to the computer
or standing in front of the microwave or anything
like that he was just leaning into the sink
brushing his teeth and then he collapsed
I walked in and my cat had scratched the wall
into a vitamin scored to hide a tiny gun
clawing and meowing and generally raising
sadness. I said to her did you know
microwaves can send the cancer right into you
even though there's that door
People never kill with their hands anymore
why is that? He just collapsed
He wasn't sitting too close to the computer
or standing in front of the microwave or anything
like that he was just leaning into the sink
brushing his teeth and then he collapsed
I walked in and my cat had scratched the wall
into a vitamin scored to hide a tiny gun
8.15.2007
As I Said:2
Don't you hate it when
the answering machine light is on
but there isn't really a message
As soon as I walked in the door
I could tell a stranger
had been in the apartment
These are the things that
my therapist refers to as
irrational thought patterns
She dresses up to watch television
I washed all the dishes as clean as I could
but I could still tell that
someone else was around
Someone is always calling for Daisy
but Daisy isn't my name
the answering machine light is on
but there isn't really a message
As soon as I walked in the door
I could tell a stranger
had been in the apartment
These are the things that
my therapist refers to as
irrational thought patterns
She dresses up to watch television
I washed all the dishes as clean as I could
but I could still tell that
someone else was around
Someone is always calling for Daisy
but Daisy isn't my name
8.14.2007
As I Said: 1
these are the things that
make me shoot myself
Isn't it weird how
taking a half of a forty
of Celexa really is like
breaking bread
It even looks like a little
loaf, see?
make me shoot myself
Isn't it weird how
taking a half of a forty
of Celexa really is like
breaking bread
It even looks like a little
loaf, see?
this is not poetry
i named this blog after andrea rexilius, della watson, megan martin, meghan austin, and shannon mullally. they are brilliant. you should love them.
my first series of posts will be excerpts from a chapbook i am trying to publish. it is called As I Said.
my first series of posts will be excerpts from a chapbook i am trying to publish. it is called As I Said.
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